A year gone by

What a difference a year can make. Last year this time I was gearing up to be a graphic designer, find a real job in my field and be superwoman. This year I am preparing for a daughter and trying not to lose my identity all at the same time.

This year will prove to be challenging as we try to reintegrate our family and raise a baby…together. I have so many fears as my last infant experience was lonely and very hard to press through. We both have so many challenges as we are both used to being in charge and having things done our own way. It takes daily work to compromise and be okay with differences. I know our kids are better off having both of us and our unique personalities and knowledge. We need to remember the small things in life, remember that family is most important and that we will get through this. Our kids are healthy, we are healthy and we all have and love each other.

Love the tree

The past few days have shown me that he can be quite a saint and that having him here with me is the best feeling in the world. I cant push him away, he’s always going to be there and comfort me. I need to bend and let loose, find the fun in life and just be happy with what I have. It’s definitely good enough, even if you don’t have a stove or a dishwasher, floors, who needs ‘em? Not me, I really don’t. I just need him and his support and love. It makes a world of difference.


Mixed Emotions on Child Support

When you are faced with a situation that you think needs to happen for any change to arise…and then you feel like you don’t really want that to happen because it’s not good for your child. It’s hard to feel just one emotion at a time. It’s hard to feel love for a person, only because they are the father of that beautiful child you have. You want them to be in your child’s life as much as possible and to do their duties. When it doesn’t happen you are left to travel the unknown of emotions and trying to keep your child’s emotions and experiences positive. You want to take time away from that person or however will they learn??? But you know deep down that time away from them is time your child will never get back again. It’s heart wrenching to know what your child is being put through and that these things could effect them for the rest of their lives. All you can do is wait and hope they won’t turn out that bad from all this.

Baby Fever

Picture of a baby in an eggSomething about being a woman ingrains us to have baby fever at some point in our lives. Well maybe not ALL women but I happen to know it happens a lot. My best friend is currently eight months pregnant and I am so glad for this. I can spoil this sweet little girl with all of my affection and then go home to my crazy 3 year old. You would think that with the amount of energy my son has would turn me off but I would love to have another baby. There is something about that cute little innocent baby that makes you yearn for one every so often. I always wanted to have my kids close together, and seeing as that is not in the cards right now it is kind of a sore subject for me. I am trying to just be positive about the situation and let life play itself out. When people around you are going thru things that you have always wanted sometimes it’s hard not to be jealous.  I am very glad for my best friend though. I am able to help her with certain situations since I have already been thru them and also live thru her just a little bit! It also helps that I am so busy right now with school and trying to start my career off in the right direction. It keeps me dreaming of how I want things to be and making goals for myself to get there some day!

The Perils of Daycare

Daycare is its own difficult subject in the mommy world. Leaving my child with a stranger?! Gasp! But yes it is usually necessary and just as scary as it sounds. I constantly am feeling uncertainty and anxiety over losing more and more control of my son and his environments. I learn on a daily basis just how much my opinion matters. Jack. Concerned mothers are usually given the cold shoulder, being treated as if they are over bearing and crazy. At least thats usually how I am treated. At first as a young mother I was treated as I didnt know what my son needed. If you ask me, I may have been young, but I actually parImage of children and teacherented my son and I knew what he needed. I was pretty much a single mother living in my own place and taking care of my sons needs. I was up in the middle of the night, I was buying new formulas and bottles to get rid of his gas pains. I was reading books and articles on online. I took him to doctors appointments when he was sick and was concerned about his health and well being. Someone older may have more experience, yes. That is also no reason to talk down to someone who DOES put in the effort and trials.

I also have found new experiences and feelings as I am older with daycare. There are definetly many negatives in my mind when it comes to home daycare. When you are only able to afford home daycare because you live in one of the richest counties of the state, it doesnt leave you many options. There are positives to home daycare as there are less children and less illnesses. I have found a huge difference in my sons sick episodes since leaving the last center he went to. Which is a huge blessing as he was sick for months with multiple ear infections and constant medicines. I do however think home daycares are way less structured than centers and try to get away with a lot. I know there are dedicated home daycare providers who truly care about their clients and the children. I am not trying to lump them all together but they are also few and far between in my experience.

Children to teacher ratios seem to be violated very easily, here in Michigan the ratio is 6 children to 1 caregiver. This includes caregivers own children under the age of 7. I have experienced at least two home daycare’s that exceed this limit. It also depends on the age of the children. Also a caregiver should give notice to the parents whenever the main caregiver will be out of the facility and an assistant caregiver will be there. I understand this may be irritating or even time consuming but I find it disturbing every time I walk in the door and am subject to an assistant caregiver, even if it is the regular assistant. This is my child people! I need and want to know who is caring for him at all times, I want to know where he is, that he’s made it home with his grandparents while I am at school. I want to know what he ate and how he slept. I AM HIS PARENT. I may not be able to be there at every moment in his life right now, but I still care about him more than my life. Let’s all work together to be more communicative and follow the rules. I don’t want to get all mama bear on someone, but I will if I have to.

The Sad Truth

I am reminded over and over of the trials many parents have to face. Some are due to miscarriage, NICU stays, learning disabilities, diseases and accidents. There are so many different ways children can suffer, they all can’t be mentioned specifically. Children touch so many people in different ways, which is an amazing fact. These happy, strong children light up our lives, even if we have never met them before. Facebook and Mommy Blogs are tools to spread the word of helpless families in dire need of support, financial help and encouragement. I read the awful stories of these poor young children that don’t deserve the immeasurable pain and suffering they have endured. It makes me wish I could reach out and help every single one of them. It makes me hug my son a little bit tighter, knowing I am so lucky to have him healthy.

Tripp has EB and wasn’t supposed to survive to one years old. His skin blisters with any friction and infections are continuous. At this time they are treating his pain and trying to keep him comfortable. Courtney is a single mom, taking 24/7 care of Tripp. She is an amazing woman who is strong for her child every single day. You can view their story here.

Such a sweePicture of Trippt happy baby should never have to be in so much pain. It breaks my heart!

Love/Hate Relationship with Naps

When a baby takes a nap in the morning and afternoon, it’s heaven. You have time to nap yourself and time to clean up the house.  Then they get older and only nap in the afternoon. It’s so hard to get everything done in only 2 hours. Now my 2.75 year old only sleeps for 1 hour. Let me tell you something, 1 hour is not enough time for me to get done what I need to do, sans child. I am a single mom who only has 4 nights “off” a month. My main complaint is whenever I am so tired and wait and wait for nap time, I only get an hour. This hour includes laying down and trying to fall asleep (as fast as possible). Then I get awoken by a screaming crying toddler that.just.will.not.stop. It’spicture of sleeping child completely aggravating and makes me want to scream every time it happens. I lose my schmidt way too much and then I really hate that about myself. That’s the last thing I want to do to my child or anyone else. So I have to take my sleep at other times and skip nap time. I know that I turn into the evil witch everytime I try to take a nap when my son does. Which only means one thing. I need to love it that I get a break by NOT taking a nap and getting my work done. Apparently I will start doing this tomorrow because today didn’t work out so good.

G.U.I.L.T. (of the mommy kind)

You never realize when you are pregnant the magnitude of guilt you will once and forever feel. There are also a million different reasons you could feel mommy (or daddy) guilt.

As a single mom, I will forever feel the guilt that my sons father is not truly there for him. I realize that it is not all my fault but I will always wish that things were different a long time ago and that my son could grow up under BOTH of his parents. That also brings me to the lasting effects of my mistakes and choices in men thereafter. I am struggling to learn exactlClip art of man holding text of Guilty who is right for us to fill that forever home as “dad”. I fear for my son, that any and all of my choices will affect him wrongly, that not only will I suffer the consequences, but him as well.

Another guilt is discipline, it will always be in my daily life. As I try to spend quality, memory making time with my son I find myself constantly losing my cool, giving time-outs and struggling to get thru the day. My son loves to test me and smile his sweet little face. They learn so quickly how to maneuver our tactics and fight with all their might. The crying little boy in time-out is so hard to listen to as he continues to whine moommmmyyy! He is only 2.75 and says “mommy you’re mean!”.

He continues to teach me lessons everyday and although I have to deal with guilt on a daily basis, I love him and he is completely worth it!